The Story of How Real Madrid Got Raped

El Clásico. Sometimes the name is enough. And it was to be one of those nights. What was to be 22 world-class players fighting it out on the biggest stages of all for victory, honour and respect however turned out to be a battle between a black mamba and a toothless shark.

The Nou Camp in Barcelona was the setting for this one; temperature hovering around 5°C, rain pouring down and nervous faces all around. Karim Benzema’s golden boot got the first touch of the ball and the highly anticipated match had begun. Both the teams tried to get into the opponent’s box from the start but none doing any major damage. The first real chance of the match came from a Xavi corner, which fell to Messi who chipped beautifully over Casillas – the post denying the Argentinian an early goal. But three minutes later, Iniesta threaded a laser pass into the box for the onrushing Xavi who after an initial confusion poked it past Casillas and Barcelona had a dream start.

Ha ha! 10 minutes is all it takes!!

More relentless pressure ensued from the Blaugrana and they got a second eight minutes later. Xavi found an unmarked Villa on the far-left who cut inside and hammered the ball in and Pedro capitalised on a not-so-good save by Casillas to put his team two up inside the first twenty minutes. Real were in serious trouble and they needed a goal somehow. But Guardiola’s men were determined not to even let them out of their own half as they kept charging everyone down. The men in white resorted to long balls which got them nowhere expect a back pass to Valdes and a start to another of Barça’s tiki-taka based double-digit passing exhibitions.

WTF?! - Inside CR's head

Cristiano Ronaldo’s biggest contribution of the night came around the half hour mark when he shoved Pep Guardiola in the chest who wasn’t ready to hand him the ball. The referee booked both him and Víctor Valdés, for uselessly rushing 50 metres out of his box. But that changed five minutes later. The Portuguese speedster stepped up to take a free kick almost 30 yards away and it just missed the near post. There was to be yet another face-off just before half-time, this time between Carvalho and Messi. Leo was booked for playacting but the former Chelsea defender escaped without a punishment for his elbowing part.

José Mourinho went for a tactical change at half-time, taking out Özil for Lassana Diarra – looking to provide more cover for the centre backs, a change I felt should have been made at the beginning of the match. But it didn’t make any difference. Just six minutes into the other half and Barça almost had a third. Messi cut inside and found Xavi but it was two goal-saving touches from Sami Khedira and Iker Casillas that took the ball away from the Euro 2008 Player of the Tournament and the shot that followed from the acute angle wasn’t of Samir Nasri quality and it hit the wrong side of the net. Three minutes later, Barça were at it again – the little wizard doing the same thing, this time finding David Villa who came in from behind Pepe, controlled it with a beautiful first touch and slotted it into the back of the net with his second. Three-nil to Pep Guardiola’s team and it was game over.

It's me, baby!

But the men in red and blue weren’t content. Real Madrid hadn’t even properly taken in the shock of the last goal when Messi sidestepped Khedira and delivered an exquisite ball and what was to be pass-of-the-night for David Villa, who coolly slotted it between the legs of Spain’s #1 for his second and Barcelona’s fourth. And after that, los Blancos were down and out. Dispirited, disgruntled and disgraced; they lost any hope of a comeback and with it their focus and concentration. It was written all over their faces that they wanted to catch the first flight back to the capital and it showed in their play. Conceding fouls and earning yellow cards all over the place – three in five minutes, giving the ball away cheaply and their best player losing control of the ball – something you normally wouldn’t see.

Ricardo Carvalho was cautioned in the 71^st minute for handling the ball and he would have been sent off had he received one for the elbowing incident in the first half. Xavi and Pedro were substituted in the 86^th minute to standing ovation for Keita and Jeffrén respectively. The Venezuelan-born winger turned super-sub five minutes later when he rushed inside the six-yard box and met a beautiful Bojan low-cross which a sliding Iniesta missed and provided Barcelona with their fifth goal of the night.

Fuckin' Five! In your face!

Mourinho’s men showed the frustration and anger that was building up in them moments later when Sergio Ramos chopped down Lionel Messi with a malicious tackle. The referee handed him a straight red but before he walked off, he played another part in the melee that followed, pushing compatriot and captain Carles Puyol to the ground and then nudging away Xavi Hernández who had come out on the pitch.

"You didn't plan this one! Now bye!", says the ref.

Seconds later, it was all over as the ref blew his whistle to end Real’s misery. A contrast of faces on the pitch – the visitors stranded, as if a high intensity light had hit them in the retina and the hosts who were ecstatic; three fully-deserved points, a five star performance and their rightful place at the top of the table. In the end, Puyol left with the ball and Mourinho walked away with nothing – not a single goal, not a single point. Not only they humiliated their arch-rivals at their home ground, they also showed that the World Cup victory parade had taken place in the wrong city.

April 17, 2011. “The Special One” is already waiting.

FIVE-NIL?!? See you at the Bernabeu!

P.S.: For those who missed the match, I shall be posting the highlights very soon. Do check back later.

Also, player ratings shall be coming up. Don't miss it :D